Fighting for health. Fighting for normalcy between me and food. Fighting for Sea Shepherd Conservation Society because they gave my life purpose. Fighting to be a warrior. Body positive. I have a progblog, just ask. Formerly tobe-runningfree and featherlightfootprints.Read Find Me Current Challenge! Stalk Mee Stalk Me Ask me anything Submit
Losing my virginity tonight. I’m so scared.
If you’re battling an eating disorder right now, I just want to say,
you fight, warrior.
way to go.
this is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. You are beating an illness that tells you to do the opposite of what you need for survival. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW AMAZING THAT IS? THAT’S LIKE GOING AGAINST A DISEASE THAT DOESN’T LET YOU BREATHE.
in short, you are one badass motherfucker.
that is all.
An eating disorder.
This is not about food.
This is not about looking good in a dress or wanting to be a supermodel. This is not about wanting the cute guys to turn their heads and stare at your beauty. This is not about going to a store, sliding a size zero skirt over your hipbones, and laughing all the way to the check out counter.
This is not about wanting attention. This is not about enjoying feeling death and refusing food until you need to be force fed with a tube in an ICU. It is not about deliberately pissing off the nurses on the ED unit by hiding your clif bar and boost under your sweatshirt and stashing butter in the bed pans. It is not about selfless starving for all the children in Africa. It is not about the latest fad diet or losing the holiday weight. It is not about reading fashion magazines and pining for the Body Mass Index of Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua. It is not about getting a good man/woman. It is not about religion, G-d, the media or culture.
This is about having the self-esteem of an insect. This is a polite way of committing suicide. This is about having no life because it’s impossible to go out with friends to a restaurant and order a bowl of dry lettuce. This is about weighing, measuring and counting pasta, cereal, raisins and anything that passes your lips, including toothpaste. This is about secrets and lies and shame. This is about not wanting to admit that you need to eat. That you deserve to live.
This is about being scared. This is about being terrified. Of everything.
This is about control. This is about numbing away the feelings of abuse. This is about starving away the pain. This is about wanting to disappear as to not be taken advantage of again. This is about hiding under layers of clothing that are mostly black so that no one sees your womanly body. This is about non verbal communication. This is about avoiding. This is about denying the past. This is about intense self hatred.
This is about needing so much that you can’t stand it. This is about wanting to not need anything at all. This is about not wanting to be touched but afraid to be let go. This is about having emotions that bubble up and spill out and scare people away. This is about being so overwhelmed and traumatized that it’s easier to avoid everything by obsessing over the amount of calories in a grapefruit. It is about getting lost in the mirror and scale instead taking responsibility and just f*cking dealing.
This is about wanting to be safe. This is about wanting to curl up in a nutshell and ignore the big bad world that’s too noisy and dangerous and can’t be trusted. This is about not trusting anyone and relying on food (or lack of) to give you an all enveloping comfort blanket when the feelings bloat you up and make you feel fat, ugly and intolerable in your skin.
This is about really crappy coping methods. This is about a way of life you’ve known for 13 years. This is about habit and second nature. This is about making a choice that will quite possibly kill you. This is about chaotic relationships, hospitalizations, devastated families, worried friends, treatment programs, trying and failing, and more hospitalizations. This is about losing your period, failed kidneys, and hollow bones. This is about cardiac arrest at age 21. This is about being sick. This is about not being sick enough to think you need, or agree to go into, treatment. This is about being so sick that you have to be court ordered into a hospital.
This is about trying to be understood. This is about fighting with all you’ve got and more hard work than you ever imagined. This is about exhaustion and tears and needing support. This is about fighting a battle with yourself and the world. This is about trying to survive.
This is not about food. From a friend on Facebook. It was just too amazing and powerful to not share it. (via meg36)
- 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
- 2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
- 3. Have you taken someones virginity?
- 4. Is trust a big issue for you?
- 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
- 6. What are you excited for?
- 7. What happened tonight?
- 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
- 9. Is confidence cute?
- 10. What is the last beverage you had?
- 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
- 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
- 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
- 14. What are you going to spend money on next?
- 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
- 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
- 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
- 18. The last time you felt broken?
- 19. Have you had sex today?
- 20. Are you starting to realize anything?
- 21. Are you in a good mood?
- 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
- 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
- 24. What do you want right this second?
- 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
- 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
- 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
- 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
- 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
- 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
- 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
- 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
- 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
- 34. Listening to?
- 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
- 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
- 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
- 38. Who did you last call?
- 39. Who was the last person you danced with?
- 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
- 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
- 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
- 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
- 44. Do you tan in the nude?
- 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
- 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
- 47. Who was the last person to call you?
- 48. Do you sing in the shower?
- 49. Do you dance in the car?
- 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
- 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
- 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
- 53. Is Christmas stressful?
- 54. Ever eat a pierogi?
- 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
- 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
- 57. Do you believe in ghosts?
- 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
- 59. Take a vitamin daily?
- 60. Wear slippers?
- 61. Wear a bath robe?
- 62. What do you wear to bed?
- 63. First concert?
- 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
- 65. Nike or Adidas?
- 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
- 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
- 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
- 69. Ever take dance lessons?
- 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
- 71. Can you curl your tongue?
- 72. Ever won a spelling bee?
- 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
- 74. What is your favorite book?
- 75. Do you study better with or without music?
- 76. Regularly burn incense?
- 77. Ever been in love?
- 78. Who would you like to see in concert?
- 79. What was the last concert you saw?
- 80. Hot tea or cold tea?
- 81. Tea or coffee?
- 82. Favorite type of cookie?
- 83. Can you swim well?
- 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
- 85. Are you patient?
- 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
- 87. Ever won a contest?
- 88. Ever have plastic surgery?
- 89. Which are better black or green olives?
- 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
- 91. Best room for a fireplace?
- 92. Do you want to get married?
It’s 1am so I’m sorry for the people who won’t see this. But if you want confidence and don’t know how to get it, a really good way is to be confident in other people. When you walk into Starbucks, think, “damn, that barista’s hair is da bomb!” Or when you go to school, think, “my teacher is rocking that skirt!” When you start seeing everyone as being beautiful, at some point you realize that you’re everyone too.
Dear person reading this: I want you to know that you are not alone. No matter what your current situation, no matter what, please know that you are not alone. I understand that it’s a very cliche sentiment, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that cliches are cliches for a reason: they’re overused because they’re true.